It was the year 2012, and the corridors of prestigious Amanda Kimmel High School were abuzz with rumours and gossip. Thanks to a generous donation from an anonymous benefactor, the school was preparing to send a contingent of their best and brightest students to Tonga to compete in an international academic decathlon. Many students hoped to be a part of the elite class, but only twenty students, eleven from the twelfth grade and eleven from the eleventh grade, were allowed to participate.
Unfortunately, on the day of the departure flight, Bobby Mason developed a serious case of carsickness on the way to the airport, and had to cancel out of the trip. Luckily, the teacher was able contact Natalie Bolton, who rushed over to fill his spot on the team.
The students boarded a plane. The chattered excitedly as the plane took off, heading towards the distant nation of Tonga.
Parvati, the student council president, had recently broken an arm and one of her legs as a result of inadvertently disrespecting Tibetan culture. She sat chatting with her galpals Brenda and Chelsea. All three were very excited to be competing in a worldwide competition.
Just then, Colleen came barging up the aisle and purposely elbowed Parvati’s cast. “You all guys are morrons, twelveth grade is a jillien times more awesomer than eleventh are!”
Tracy looked confused. “Why are you even here, Colleen? I thought this was a competition for smart people.”
“SHUT UP SHUT UP” screamed Colleen. “MY GPA IS 3.72! I AM GENYUS.”
Parvati’s face betrayed nothing. “You’re a... ‘genyus,’ eh? Nice English skills, there.”
“Of course I wasn’t learned to speak English more gooder,” huffed Colleen. “I study psychology. God!”
“Actually it’s ‘goddess.’”
Colleen rolled her eyes. “Shut up, I wasent speeching about you. your a looser. I ownaged you.”
Just then, there was a hissing noise, as some kind of gas started to leak out the ventilation system.
“What is that?” shrieked Brett.
“I think
someone farted,” Erinn said, pointing at Hunter.
Brenda and Chelsea pointed their fingers and laughed cruelly at the blushing boy, then began making out with each other.
Within a few seconds, everybody on the plane passed out. Well, except for the pilot, obviously.
“I’m totally the first one to fall unconscious!” screamed Candice the trendsetter as she passed out on top of several other already-sleeping people.
Several hours later, Danielle began to stir. Something squishy was pressing into her face, cutting off her oxygen. She snapped awake, and discovered that she had passed out at her desk, and was now in danger of being suffocated by her own massive boobs. Sitting upright, Danielle looked around. All of her classmates were passed out in their desks like she had been. A small waterfall of drool was cascading from Anthony’s desk as he snored heavily.
What was going on? This wasn’t their regular classroom. They were supposed to be going to Tonga.
“Rise and shine, class!” said an overly cheery voice. The groggy students raised their heads. A long trail of drool still connected Anthony’s face to his desk.
“What’s going on?” mumbled Erinn. “Did I accidentally roofie myself again?”
However, everyone was suddenly struck dumb as a black figure materialized out of the shadows at the back of the room.
“Ohmygosh,” Anthony cried, raising his hands to his mouth. “That guy just came out of nowhere. I think he’s undead!”
Candice leaned over to Colleen and whispered, “Boom. Ghosted.”
The shadowy figure merely smirked. “I suppose I am undead, after a fashion. But that’s not important right now. I’m sure you’d all like to know where you are, and what’s going on.”
The figure snapped their fingers. The class gasped as a series of strangely familiar, all wearing military uniforms, people filed in. There was Frosti, Sydney, Lillian, Lisa, drunk Chad, Sierra... all kids who’d broken school rules and been sent into juvenile detention. BANNEDgie brought up the rear, and firmly slammed the classroom door behind her. The delinquents smiled maliciously at the class.
“What the hell is this?” demanded Lex.
“Revenge!” snarled the black figure. “You see, me and my fellow soldiers have an axe to grind with your precious Amanda. And we’ve decided to take our revenge by making you kids participate in a fight to the death.”
“Awesome!” crowed Lex.
“It’s just like the Hunger Games!” cooed Jenna.
“No, it’s not,” said Parvati, shaking her head. “It’s just like
Battle Royale.”
“I’m sure you’re terrified by that prospect –”
“When do we start?” asked Lex. “Can I start killing people right now?” The tattooed boy jumped out of his seat and started throttling Tracy. Being a helpless sycophant, she didn’t try to resist.
“NO!” thundered the shadow. “Sit down!” As Lex sat, the shadow shook his head disgustedly. “Anyway, as I was saying, I’m sure you guys have some resistance to the idea of killing your fellow classmates.”
“No,” said Lex.
“Seriously, shut the hell up! Anyway, in order to encourage you to participate, we’ve outfitted you with metal collars. If you stay too long in a particular spot, take too long to kill the others, or try to escape, the collar will explode. Allow me to demonstrate.”
He clicked a remote, and a mechanical beeping noise filled the room. Everybody looked around frantically, trying to figure out where it was coming from.
Suddenly, Misty gasped and pointed. “Oh no! It’s Eliza!”
“That’s okay,” Eliza shrugged. “I wasn’t really interested in this whole ‘life’ business anyway.”
Everybody gave her a funny look.
BOOM!
The collar detonated, sending a fine red spray across the room. Eliza slumped to the floor, dead.
“Boom,” said Candice. “Hosted.”
GIRL #08 ELIZA DEAD
21 REMAIN
“Now that you know that we mean business,” the shadow continued smoothly, “we can get this party started. Right now, you guys are in the middle of a deserted island. It’s big enough that you can spread out, but small enough that you’ll eventually find each other. Every so often, we’ll mark off sections as danger zones. If you stay in one, your collar explodes, simple as that. To help you with the killing, everybody’s gonna get a weapon. It’ll be random, so nobody can possibly accuse us of cheating.”
“Challenge accepted,” Colleen snapped.
“When I call your name, come up and get a pack. After that, you better clear outta here, because your competition’s gonna be right behind you.”
The host snatched up a piece of paper, and read off the first name: “Boy #01... Bob Dawg.” The shadow stared incredulously at the paper. “Wait, seriously? Who the hell names their kid Bob Dawg?”
Michelle raised her hand. “Bob Dawg’s not here. That should say ‘Girl #01 Natalie.’”
Natalie gasped. “LYAR!” The HBIC stomped up to the front of the room and took her pack.
“Boy #02 Austin.”
The host was met with a sea of blank stares.
“Excuse me, sir,” said Michelle, politely raising her hand. “I don’t think there’s an Austin in this class.”
“No, there is one,” said Kim. “He’s that silent kid that doesn’t do anything and floats through classes.”
“Boom. Coasted,” muttered Candice.
“I hate that kid,” Misty muttered. In fact, Misty was partially to blame for Austin’s invisibility around the school. Austin had publicly called her an idiot during last year’s prom, and Misty had responded by Legendary Leap Kicking the living shit out of him in front of everybody. Now he couldn’t show his face around the school without someone laughing about how badly he got beaten up by a girl.
“No, seriously,” Michelle continued as Austin got up and retrieved his pack. “I’ve totally never seen that kid before.”
“Girl #01 Erinn.”
“‘Girl’?” Kim exclaimed incredulously.
On her way up to the front, Erinn stopped at Parvati’s desk. “Listen up, Parv,” she whispered. “The twelfth-graders are gonna try to take out all of the eleventh-graders. I know that you’re supposed to be in twelfth-grade, but you got held back a year while you were sick with Russell-itis, so I want you to leave those guys and help us out. We’re BFFs, right?”
“Totally,” said Parvati. She was lying. The last time they’d hung out, Erinn had shoved Parvati into oncoming traffic in order to hit on a hot paramedic she’d spotted nearby. Then when the police showed up, Erinn made Parvati tell them that she’d been beaten up after disrespecting some Tibetans.
Parvati leaned over to Kim. “Psst. Erinn and Nat are totally gonna try to screw over the twelfth-graders at the first opportunity,” she whispered. Kim nodded knowingly.
“NO TALKING!” screamed the host. “That’s a warning for you!”
Kim was called next, and went up to grab her weapon bag. Tossing a wink to Parvati, she exited the door.
Hunter was the next one called. After he got his bag, Hunter stepped out into the hallway and gasped. Kim hadn’t wasted any time - Natalie and Erinn were lying there with their throats cut, barely ten steps from the classroom.
“GIRL” #01 ERINN DEAD
BOY #01 NATALIE DEAD
19 REMAIN
“Next up,” the shadowy host announced, “Boy #04 Adam.”
“Nah,” said Adam. “I’m not really interested in playing. I can’t think of anybody who deserves to die more than I do. Well, except maybe Parvati.”
“You’re an idiot,” said the host, detonating Adam’s collar.
BOY #04 ADAM DEAD
18 REMAIN
Hunter ran out the door as fast as he could, and looked around. There was a lot of foliage surrounding the exit, and the other kids would certainly be coming out soon. Well, he had a marvellously cunning plan. He would hide near the entrance, and ambush the next person to come out.
Concealing himself in the bushes, Hunter waited eagerly for his prey. He unzipped his bag, eager to see what weapon he’d gotten. Perhaps it would be a ninja sword, or a chainsaw, or a gun! He really hoped it was a gun. But, to his disappointment, his hand closed around... a sock full of nickels. It jingled as he picked it up.
“Maaan.”
Just then, a figure emerged from the doorway. Hunter tensed himself, then sprang forward, ready to deal nickelly death.
“Hiyaaaaaa!”
Midway through his jump, the shadows melted away, and Hunter saw his foe: Candice. She was holding a massive weapon, the barrel of which was pointed at him.
FWOOOSH!
Candice’s flamethrower roared to life, and a massive ball of flame engulfed Hunter. The screaming boy fell to the grass, flaming like a marshmallow as the fire consumed his body. Once the gurgling Hunter lay still, Candice gingerly approached the corpse, and then kicked it in the head.
“Boom. Roasted,” said Candice, and fled into the woods.
BOY #05 HUNTER DEAD
17 REMAIN
[/center]
Meanwhile, on another part of the island, Danielle, Brett, and Lex were having a grand old time wandering around. The three of them had agreed that they would stick together until they were the last three standing, no matter what happened along the way.
Of course, they weren’t alone. As luck would have it, they were directly on course with another threesome: The Three Goddesses. People were often confused as to who exactly the three goddesses were. Some people thought Heidi was one, some people thought Eliza was one, but at the moment the term referred to Brenda, Chelsea, and Parvati. The three of them were making slow progress, since Parvati’s broken leg hindered her from being as awesome as she normally is.
“Hurry up, Parv,” Brenda said, tossing her hair irritably. “This area is gonna be a danger zone soon.”
“Yeah, yeah,” grumbled Parvati. The class president was struggling under the weight of her weapon, which made her struggles even harder.
Both groups were struggling up a large hill, and they reached the top at the same time. There was a moment of consequential silence as Lex, Brett, and Danielle stared at Parvati, Chelsea, and Brenda.
“Yaaaaah, death to twelfth-graders!” screamed Brenda. The Asian girl had been assigned a fighting staff as her weapon, but she’d used Chelsea’s machete to whittle it into something resembling male genitalia. “Feel the wrath of my Dick Stick!” Brenda howled, slapping Danielle in the boob.
Brett and Lex threw themselves on Chelsea and started pummelling her.
“Wait!” Chelsea gasped. “Don’t you recognize me?”
Lex put the girl in a headlock. “No. Should we?”
There was a small
kachunk sound as something small and round buried itself into the dirt next to the three struggling students. Chelsea looked at it curiously for a second, then realized what it was – a grenade launcher round!
BOOOM!
Chelsea dove out of the way, shoving Brett into the explosive’s path as it erupted.
“NOOOOOO!” screamed Lex as Brett was blown backwards down the hill.
“Lex, leave him!” screamed Danielle. “We have to move!” She looked around wildly for their enemies, but The Three Goddesses had already fled the scene.
“Go on without me!” Lex called over his shoulder as he ran to the fallen Brett.
“’K,” Danielle shrugged and abandoned her friends.
“Lex,” Brett croaked. “You should go.” The control freak’s shirt was caked with blood and dirt. His wound was obviously fatal.
Tears streamed from Lex’s eyes. “Not without you, buddy. You know I’d never leave you.”
Brett just smiled. He was fading fast. “We should have come out years ago,” he murmured.
Lex just chuckled. “Are you kidding me? This school would’ve eaten us alive. Remember what Erinn revealed that she was a dude?”
Brett laughed - a hoarse, rattling sound. “I dunno. I think they probably figured it out from the whole Sausage Island thing.”
“True,” Lex admitted. “I guess maybe coming out would have been okay. Heck, nobody looks down on Yau-Man and Anthony.” He paused a second, then added, “Well, okay, they do. But not for that reason.”
Just then, Lex’s collar began beeping furiously. He had only a few seconds left. With his last act, the ginger bastard turned and raised a prominent middle finger to the sky, flipping off the entire universe as his jugular exploded.
BOY #03 BRETT DEAD
BOY #06 LEX DEAD
15 REMAIN
[/center]
The rest of the day passed fairly uneventfully. The sun was just beginning to set for the evening when Candice and Colleen approached a small cave.
“Looks like a gooding place to spent the night,” Colleen brilliantly observed. “It’ll be like an hotel.”
Candice agreed. “Boom. Hosted.”
“Hey!” Colleen snapped. “You already used that one. Everybody knows there’s nothing funny about original statements. Originality is both a critical and fundamental part of humour.”
“I was recycling it,” said Candice. “Boom. Composted.”
Just then, they heard a noise from within the cave.
“What was that?” Colleen snarled.
Jenna emerged from the shadows. The class sweetheart was trembling slightly. “It’s just me, guys! I don’t wanna hurt anyone!”
“That’s good,” said Colleen reassuringly. “We’re not don’t want hurting people neither!”
“I’m just so scared,” Jenna quavered. “Can I... get a ((((hug))))?”
“Sure.” Colleen smiled wolfishly and held out her arms. Jenna ran into her embrace, and hugged her tightly.
“This game is so scary,” Jenna wailed. Then she stopped, a frown creasing her normally cheerful features. The innocent girl stepped backwards, and looked down. There was a knife handle sticking out her chest.
“That’s what you got when you mess with a genyus!” crowed Colleen as Jenna collapsed.
GIRL #10 JENNA DEAD
14 REMAIN
[/center]
Night fell across the island, and the remaining fourteen students bedded down for the night. Each of them slept fitfully, with one hand on their weapons, ready to spring up at a moment’s notice and strike down any potential intruders. Well, except for Brenda and Chelsea. The two of them engaged in obnoxiously loud sex for most of the night, because both of them figured that if you were gonna die tomorrow you might as well get laid today.
Meanwhile, at the southernmost tip of the island, Kim stood atop a high cliff, overlooking the ocean. The girl’s hands were stained dark red with the blood of Natalie and Erinn. She’d killed them in order to make a point, or so she thought. But when it really came down to it, what was she doing? She wasn’t a killer.
Though she was a bit on the smallish side, Kim was an all star in every athletic department. In fact, the tiny girl’s toughness was actually due to an excessive amount of testosterone in her bloodstream. Despite the fact that this made her grow a beard from time to time, the benefits far outweighed the drawbacks. Kim was a chaser, a hunter, a powerhouse, even. But she wasn’t a killer, and she couldn’t bring herself to go on living if it meant that everybody around her would have to die.
It was time for one last feat of athleticism. Kim knelt into a starting position, launched, and jumped out into nothingness.
GIRL #03 KIM DEAD
13 REMAIN
Daylight rose, and Candice and Colleen were sitting in a warehouse having breakfast. The two girls had deigned not to remain in the cave, since Jenna had so inconsiderately gotten blood all over the floor.
“This breads are delicious,” said Colleen, loading two more slices into the toaster.
“Boom,” Candice started to say, but she was cut off by an announcement on the loudspeaker.
“Just kind of an FYI,” the host’s voice crackled, “There are a bunch of new danger zones that are gonna be active in like two minutes. If you’re in one, you probably wanna get a move on.”
“Are we in a danger zone?” Candice asked Colleen. “You’re the one who’s supposed to check the map.”
Colleen shrugged and handed over her map. “Nope. No danger zone. This map are blank, see?”
“Um, that’s the back of the map. You’re reading the wrong side,” said Candice, chewing on a bit of toast.
Colleen flipped the map over.
“Now it’s upside-down,” said Candice.
Colleen rotated the map, and squinted at it. “Oh noes! This are a dangers zone!”
Candice shrugged. “I’m sure that they’ll give us more time. After all, I’m me.”
Just then, both of their collars started beeping.
Colleen swore like a one-eyed carpenter. “THIS GAME ARE UNFAIR!!” she raved. “THIS IS RIGGED! OBVIOUSLY HOST HATES US BECAUSE WE AM THE GREATEST HUMANS EVER TO LIVE!”
“Boom,” Candice said. “Boasted.”
Their collars exploded with a boom, just as the toast popped up.
GIRL #02 CANDICE DEAD
GIRL #07 COLLEEN DEAD
11 REMAIN
The rest of the second day passed pretty uneventfully. The three Goddesses spent the day making up insulting nicknames for everybody else in the class. That night, while Brenda and Chelsea began seducing one another, Parvati excused herself to take a walk alone.
Suddenly, she was surrounded by dark figures. The class president gripped her grenade launcher tightly, knowing that she was hopelessly outgunned.
“Come with us,” demanded a voice.
“Okay.” Parvati shrugged, and followed them.
Eventually the group came into a clearing, where a small campfire had been lit. As the group approached the campfire, Parvati recognized Austin, Anthony, Danielle, Heidi, Tracy, and Yau-Man.
“Welcome, Parvati,” said Yau-Man.
“Wait, what is Heidi doing here? I thought I heard somewhere that she had died,” Parvati said suspiciously.
“I got better,” Heidi said. “Someone used a medkit on me.”
Parvati nodded. “Makes sense.”
“I suppose you’d like to know why we’ve brought you here,” Yau-Man said, attempting to sound mysterious.
“Sure, why not?”
Danielle stepped forward. “I suggested that you be brought here. You see, throughout this entire game, Brenda has been communicating with me, trying to organize a secret alliance.”
Parvati gasped. “How on earth was she communicating with you?”
“Using... this!” Danielle dramatically pulled something out of her pocket and held it up to the moonlight.
“A cell phone.”
“Yeah, apparently they didn’t bother taking those away when they kidnapped us. Who knew? Anyway, the point is that Brenda’s been plotting to kill you. We want to take her and Chelsea out, before they wind up killing the rest of us.”
Parvati grimaced. “How exactly do you plan to make that happen?”
Yau-Man gestured to a large stockpile of weapons. “As you can see, I have obviously acquired these weapons by killing a lot of people, because I am awesome.”
Anyone who has read the above story will be aware that this was not, in point of fact, true. Yau-Man had been the last to exist the classroom, and had accidentally tripped over his shoelace, fallen down a flight of stairs, and blundered into the weapons storeroom whilst searching for an exit. After looting everything he could find, Yau-Man had then proceeded to lock himself into the room, and had spent nearly eighteen hours banging for help before anybody remembered that he existed, and the soldiers let him out. After exiting onto the island, Yau-Man promptly fell into a hole. He was unable to get out, so he just stayed there, making absolutely no impact on the game in any conceivable way, and surviving by sheer fluke instead of merit. In fact, Anthony had only dug him out an hour ago.
“Anyway,” said Tracy. “Brenda’s a bitch and she told us repeatedly that she wanted to kill you. Even before the game started.”
Parvati shrugged. “Okay, I’ll help you.”
“HOLY DUMB FUCK!” screamed Yau-Man, flapping his arms around like a surprised chicken. “I cannot believe that skank Parvati. She actually wants to put her life on the line to help us. What a bitch!”
“Uh...” said Parvati, politely tapping Yau on the shoulder, “You do know that I’m literally standing
right beside you, right?”
“Parvati cannot be trusted!” Yau-Man screamed to the heavens. “Obviously her vile strategy of using honesty and making rational decisions proves that she’s a backstabbing bitch.”
“Oh my god, you’re right! She was honest with
me, too!” squealed Tracy. “Down with backstabbers!”
“Down with backstabbers!” Heidi parroted.
Yau-Man drew a knife. “Let’s stab the backstabber with this!”
“Yes! In the back!” cried Tracy.
“In the back!” agreed Heidi.
“Wait...” said Austin. “You want to... stab the backstabber in the back?”
“Well, of course,” Yau said, rolling his eyes. “Otherwise she’d see it coming.”
“I’m still standing here,” Parvati put in.
“You see!?” Yau-Man cried, waving the knife. “You see what she does? Backstabbers are evil! That’s why we need to backstab her, before she gets the chance to backstab the people who are trying to kill us.”
“I agree,” said Heidi, because it had been almost a full minute since she’d last agreed with something.
“Wait, wait,” said Danielle. “Parvati is my friend.”
Yau-Man thrust out his scrawny chest. “So?”
“So we should screw her over later. Once the other goddesses are dead, there’ll be no chance that anybody will interrupt us, and we can desecrate her corpse as much as we want.”
“I agree!” cried Heidi.
“I agree with your agreement!” cried Tracy.
With that, the group set off to the goddesses’ hiding place. Parvati briefly considered the merit of giving them the slip and running away, but she couldn’t have made it far on her own, and, given that Brenda had been chanting “Die, Parvati, die!” in her sleep, she wasn’t sure that there was really much of anywhere to go.
The ambush was over in a matter of seconds. As soon as the group approached the cave where Brenda and Chelsea were sleeping, the two Goddesses woke up and launched a counterattack. The Asian girl swung her Dick Stick at Parvati, sending the class president sprawling.
“A-ha!” crowed Brenda. “Now you die, bitch!”
There was a wet slicing sound. Brenda staggered backwards, a spear sticking out of her stomach. She turned, to see who had thrown it.
Yau-Man stood there, the moonlight clearly illuminating a large wet patch on his pants.
“Yau!” Brenda hissed. “What the hell? You told me we were friends!”
“Nooooo!” Yau-Man cried, sobbing uncontrollably. “I’m sorry, Brenda! I totally wanted to make Asian babies with you! You gotta believe me!”
Blood ran from the corner of Brenda’s mouth. “You also told me you never break your word to people!”
“I don’t!” screamed Yau-Man. “Except on days that end in Y!”
With a final sigh of derision, Brenda died. Yau-Man collapsed onto her corpse, sobbing pathetically.
“Noooo, you bastards!”
Everybody turned to see Chelsea come streaking out of cave, holding her machete high.
BLAM! BLAM!
Two pistol shots blasted into Chelsea’s torso. The cutie collapsed to the grass.
“Ahahaha!” Chelsea laughed. “AhahahaHAAAhaHAAhaHAAAAA!!”
“What’s so funny?” asked Danielle.
“You fools!” Chelsea cackled. “I’ve been hiding a terrible secret from all of you. You see, it was me, ME, all along! For I am... Charity!”
“Who?” asked Tracy.
Chelsea/Charity looked confused. “How can you not know who I am? I’ve been coming to this school for longer than anyone!”
“Umm... I don’t think that’s a good thing,” Parvati pointed out.
“I agree!” chirped Heidi.
Ignoring them, Chelsea dragged herself over to Brenda’s corpse, and began fondling her dead lover. “I’ll be with you soon, my love...”
Gradually her movements slowed, and then were still.
GIRL #02 BRENDA DEAD
GIRL #04 CHELSEA DEAD
09 REMAIN
Parvati looked sadly down at the dead bodies of Brenda and Chelsea. There was a rustling noise behind her. The last Goddess standing turned, to see a forest of blades pointed at her back. Her expression didn’t change.
“What do you think we should do now, Parvati?” asked Anthony.
Parvati stared blankly at the glinting weaponry. “Well, obviously you should kill Yau. He’s got that big stockpile of weapons, and I’m pretty sure that he’ll use it to screw all of you. Killing a cripple like me would be entirely pointless.”
“You’re right. That’s a great idea,” Danielle said, flicking her pistol’s safety off.
“Don’t worry,” said Anthony, pointing a shotgun at Parvati’s face. “We’re totally not gonna betray you.” He turned and whispered loudly, “I think she bought it, guys!”
“Look, you guys can drop the charade. I don’t really care that you’re gonna kill me,” Parvati said. “Thanks to my broken limbs, I have no chance of winning anyway, so it’s not like I ever expected to make it to the end.”
“So, Parvati, I guess we’re going to kill Yau next?” Tracy asked, her lead pipe already drawn back to smash the goddess’ skull in. “I’m totally down to do that. I just wish you’d told me that that was the plan.”
Parvati facepalmed. “Are the blatant lies really necessary?”
“Hey Parv,” said Austin, unsheathing his samurai sword. “I’m hearing that everybody’s heading over to kill Yau-Man tonight?”
Parvati stood there, looking unimpressed, while the group all leered at her with what they apparently thought were disarming smiles. This continued for the better portion of an hour.
“Oh, for fuck’s sake,” said Parvati. She turned her back to the group and announced, “Alright, let’s all go and kill Yau-Man, because I obviously have been duped into believing that all of you are totally with me on this.”
“I knew it!” crowed Tracy. “She totally fell for our clever trap!”
“I agree!” said Heidi.
The group hurled themselves at Parvati’s unprotected back, slashing and stabbing mercilessly at the unresisting girl.
“Nothing personal, it’s the game!” crowed Danielle.
“I’m only doing this because I have no spine!” Austin cried.
“I agree!” said Heidi.
“Fneh fneh, you’re not a goddess or a princess! People talk about themselves like they’re royalty are idiots!” smirked Emperor Anthony.
Through it all, Parvati said nothing. These people all wanted her to lash out, to fight them and prove that she was as bad of a bitch as they said she was. Well, she wouldn’t give them the satisfaction.
With an exaggerated shrug, Parvati indifferently cried out, “Meh.” and died.
GIRL #05 PARVATI DEAD
08 REMAIN
While everybody else took turns spitting on Parvati's corpse, Yau-Man sauntered in, and remembered that he had been planning on being a good sport about this. “Good luck tonight!” he said, looking down at Parvati’s dead body.
Eventually someone noticed that Misty wasn’t participating in desecrating Parvati’s corpse. “Wait!” cried Austin. “Those two were friends. Kill her too!”
“You’re right!” cried Tracy. “Killing a harmless innocent like Misty is definitely preferable to killing anybody who might conceivably pose a threat to my victory!”
“I agree!” Heidi chimed in.
It is worth nothing here that if Parvati had still been alive, she would have been forced to admit that the preceding quotes, which sound stupid on the face of it, were actually somewhat justified, since the list of people who would conceivably pose a legitimate threat to Tracy or Heidi winning included every single remaining member of the cast.
With a squeal, Misty fell beneath the feet of the mob, and was trampled to death.
GIRL #06 MISTY DEAD
07 REMAIN
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
The shadowy host sat in his control room, grinning wickedly. Everything was going according to plan. Soon, he and his legions of the banned would rise up, and obliterate the entire world.
Just then, a staticy distress call from one of his soldiers crackled from the radio. The shadow rushed to the monitors, looking for the source. On one screen, the image of Sydney could be seen. She was running through the trees, fleeing for her life. As she ran, however, a powerful laser blast slammed into her and reduced her to ashes.
“OH NO!” screamed the shadow. He grabbed ahold of the radio, and frantically began screaming instruction. “All soldiers get to the command center now! We have a code rooster! I repeat, code rooster! It’s Lividmanda! She’s come to free her players!”
All over the monitors, various soldiers stormed towards the command center. Drunk Chad, however, had professed not to be afraid of Lividmanda. He remained at his post, and the monitor shortly bore the image of him exploding into powder.
“Shit!” screamed the shadow. Just then, a laser blast rocked the entire building, shattering windows and cracking concrete. There was no time to wait for his soldiers. It was time to run.
In his haste, the shadowy figure accidentally slammed the door on his long, trailing cloak. As he ran down the hallway, it tore away from him, revealing a very familiar pair of soiled pink panties.
Lasers continued to slice through the control center as the nearly-naked figure sprinted down the hallway. Sparks flew from severed cables, and the brief flashes revealed a hideous, idiotic face, a face which belonged to that most evil and stupid of online gamers: the one and only Philistein.
A light fixture crashed down from above, blocking the path. Snarling, the evil fiend whirled around, looking for an alternate escape – and stopped. Amanda stood at the end of the hallway, her eyes glowing fiercely.
“You’re too late,” Philistein snarled. “I may have failed to ruin your series by pretending to be Jennifer Lyon, but there’s no stopping me this time! They’re all dead. Dead, do you hear me? And with them gone, I’ll be the only player left, and the entire internet will be forced to recognize me as the most awesome player by default!”
“You’re pathetic,” Amanda said.
Phillip opened his mouth to curse Amanda and make a lame reference to zombies, but the laser blast caught him in the tongue, shutting him up once and for all.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
And that should have been the end of it. And for a while, it was. The world was an empty void of blackness. After all of the stress of the game, it was kind of nice to have a little freedom, even if it did come at a pretty steep price.
Then, all of a sudden, sounds and images began flowing back, a relentless tide of sensory input that could barely be contained by a single consciousness.
Parvati gasped, and awoke.
“It worked! Oh man, it worked! Parvati! Thank God you’re alive! We need your help!”
Parvati sat up. Her head was still woozy, and her sides ached. “Wha?” she murmured faintly. “How am I alive?”
“I gave you CPR!” Austin said brightly. A stupid childish grin split the invisible kid’s face as he recalled the memory. After all, it was the closest he’d ever gotten to first base.
Fighting the urge to vomit, Parvati asked, “But why me? You guys literally just killed me. In fact,
you literally just stabbed me.”
“Don’t be ridiculous!” Austin grinned.
“No, you totally did. It’s still bleeding a little.”
“Look, we need you to help us kill Anthony and Yau-Man. Those two have a massive stockpile of weapons and armor, and there’s no way for us to beat them without your help. Otherwise we’re all screwed!”
Parvati stared. “Gee,” she said flatly. “If only someone had warned you.”
“Pleeeeease help us?” Austin wheedled. “You’re the best student in the entire school, even with your broken limbs. If anybody can do this, it’s you.”
Parvati stared at him for a long time. She still hated him. She still hated all of them, these stupid people who had left her to die. She had been happy to die. She’d welcomed it. But now they had brought her back, and they wanted her to help them.
No.
She would come back, all right, but she wasn’t planning on helping any of them. She was pretty much dead as it was, so there was no way she could win. It sucked, kind of, but hey, there was nothing left to lose. That notion was incredibly freeing.
Parvati pasted on a smile. “Alright, Austin,” she chirped, rising unsteadily to her feet. “I’ll help you.”
Austin giggled like a schoolgirl. “This is gonna be so great. They’ll never know what hit them!”
Parvati nodded, smiling. Austin had no idea just how true his words were about to become.
